The Day The Music Died...

I have had several people tell me, with this wreck, I was very lucky...

Oh, yes, my stars lined up just right Thursday morning...I am sure any psychic (those lecherous insects I hold in such high regard) would have told me what to expect for the day, my luck was that obvious.

I was headed to Park City, Utah by way of the interstate which was, luckily, not quite as plowed as the morning newscast said. As I crested a hill in the right hand lane, I hit a snow pack/ice sheet. Before I had the chance to redirect myself and stop my car from skating around like Johnny Weir, a semi whipped past. A disgusting gruel of ice, snow, and mud coated my windshield. Wipers would have just smeared it like a wet turd, so I was hoping it would slough off quickly. Hope...oh, me and my hoping.

To add to the drama( excuse me, good luck), at the bottom of the hill was a white box van...stopped. Yes, he was stopped on the interstate. At this point, I had a few choices. I could change lanes anyway and be crushed by a closing dump truck or cause him to flip. Or, I could have moved in to the hazard lane, which most certainly would have vaulted me down a ravine. Or, I could have pumped the brakes and hoped (there's that word again) the guy down the hill would get out of the way.

I chose that latter.

I slid 200' feet or so...then, just as the goo began to fall from my windshield...bang!!

My car rocked forward, lifting the rear end into the air, then spun off into the ditch which was only (hahaha...."only") 15' deep at this point.

After I gathered myself, I climbed out of the ditch. I got there in time to see the vehicle I hit, DRIVING OFF!!! Wow! Talk about luck!

The aura of fortune glowed so brightly around me (I guess), no one saw the need to stop and check if I was alright. Who would? A guy staggering on the side of the road with his car in a ditch...this man is sooooo lucky.

A few minutes later, a cop pulled up.

He wouldn't pay much attention to the details of my story until I had given him my DL, Registration, and Insurance information and before he confirmed I wasn't some mass murderer on the loose. Thank my lucky stars!

With his and the world's safety assured, he turned to me. He listened to what I had to say then asked...."Are you sure you didn't hit that pole over there?"

What?! I took in a breath and replied, "Yes, officer, I am rather certain I didn't hit a pole." Hmmm...did I mistake a van for a pole? They do look so similar...

Luckily for me, he agreed.

A little later, as I was sitting in the tow truck filling out paper work...Officer Compassion opened the door and handed me a ticket. Talk about luck!!

It was for following too closely (to a vehicle I still don't think he believes was there) and for not having enough tread on my tires. Ah, yes, the tread on my tires...that's the culprit. It's has nothing to do with the luge up the hill behind us, or truck that splashed me, or even..."the van."

It was clearly the tread on my tires.

I couldn't take it. I said, "Officer, if I had been carrying a two ton anchor in the back of my car and thrown it out at the top of this hill....I still would not have been able to stop in time."

"You have to be prepared for all road conditions." He said, in an oh-so-condescending tone.

Yes, of course...I should have hired a little leprechaun to sit on my hood with a squeegee, because you never know when a truck is going to coat you with mud.

My luck for the day got better, when I found out I hadn't gotten collision on my insurance. And...when my dick boss pulled up. He gave me all of 45 seconds to gather some tools(from the car which I will never see again) and told me he would drop me off at the office, but no further. I was so lucky, he was sure I could find a way home.

Yep, I am pretty lucky.

"Hey, at least you didn't get killed or seriously injured."

Right, right...because this way, when I lose my job I won't be a homeless cripple. And, at least it isn't summer. Who wants to be homeless in summer? It is so hot.

I was sooooo fortunate I wasn't hurt, because the only person who asked the primary car-wreck etiquette question, of whether I was alright before asking what happened, was of all people....the insurance agent. Even if she didn't care, she did a decent job of feigning concern.

If there is an "anti-lottery" and someone wants the winning numbers, I'm sure I can come up with them...because I am such a lucky bastard.

Who needs church or school when you have Glenn Beck?

It sure is a good thing I've been watching his show again...brothers and sisters, I have seen the light!!! Hallelujah! Glory Be!!!

If it wasn't for Brother Beck, I would never have realized that freedom is not meant for all. I would have gone on thinking Democracy was a right of all people, failing to learn it's more of a consolation prize only to be awarded after years of bombings.

I can, almost, honestly say I understand that the potential risks (as minor as they are) of people (especially Arabs) having a say in their lives...is an unspeakable evil. I would never have believed that a peaceful protest is a glaring and ominous indication of future dangers. Christians, Muslims, Jews, and Atheists standing together...it's a textbook deception and tell-tail sign of intolerance and jihadist goals.

Why can't people understand? A Middle East full of free and voting Arabs is the precursor to Armageddon!! The end is nigh!!

( I think that is found in the 69th chapter of Book of Jezebel, but I'm not positive...I am not real familiar with the Book of Mormon.)

I am sure, because I have such strong faith now, that Pastor Beck will adorn himself in his black suit and white tennis shoes. He will launch a tour of the Middle East (I think he should call it "My Crusade"), starting in Egypt, and tell the people in Tahrir Square how mislead they are. I know he, being a man of such conviction and righteous faith, will bring a platoon of chalkboards and TV monitors with him. And...he will show the Egyptian people why they are wrong...why their celebration is out of line.

Preach it, Brother Beck!

The message is undeniable.

After their conversion to Beck's (mine too, now) obscure beliefs, they will fall to the ground and gnash their teeth. They will plead to the god, only Pastor Beck can truly talk with, and beg for President Mubarak to return. They will ask for forgiveness and request he come to the new palace wearing no pants (so each protester can, in turn, give a loving and apologetic smooch to one of his pink royal ass cheeks).

Without question, the people who were "detained" by the Egyptian secret police and escaped will gladly surrender themselves. They will masochistically beg to be "questioned" indefinitely.

"I've been such a bad boy...question me again, officer."

Some people (of no faith) would suggest Bro. Beck uses a lot of false dichotomies and slippery slopes (more like Chutes and Ladders) to draw his conclusions. Not me, though...no way, Hosni. If I have seen the proof, then you can too. All you have to do is look at his chalkboard! Follow all his zigging and zagging lines, take notes, record his show so you can watch it again, take more notes, only go to conspiracy websites and watch only FOXNEWS, and after a little more note taking...the connections are SO clear! It's like a "Where's Waldo?" picture...sure, it may be hard to understand at first, but...Oh, there's Waldo!!

Peaceful protest = caliphate...it is sooooooooo obvious.

Some say Pastor Beck is in need of hospitalization and serious, long-term, therapy. Others believe his divinings on chalkboards are similar to lunacy. Those blasphemers! Glenn Beck is clearly a man of god...as a reward, I think President Obama should make him the "Omni-Czar," our ultimate authority on ALL issues.

Calling Glenn Beck crazy, is like saying FOX has an agenda. Ha! Oh, ye of little faith...