Swimming

Since I was the smallest of children, I loved to swim.
I was always in the water, diving and flipping around like a slippery little frog. It was nearly impossible to get me out once I dove in. It became my second home. Large portions of my Summers were spent with wrinkled hands and shriveled fingers. My entire body was simply waterlogged, I stayed submerged so much.

The best times were when a storm was coming. As that misshapen and compressed wall of dark blue clouds slowly pushed in from the northwest, even the brightest of days dimmed little by little. A cool breeze quickly turrned  cold, icy, against my wet skin. I knew instantly, I was not getting out of the water. I remember the wind kicking in and thick heavy raindrops, the size of marbles, falling...but "under"...nothing.
There, it was oh-so was warm.


Well...
I am ever the one for analogies, and last night another one hit me as I was trying to sleep.

My love life (is that what it is called for men?) is much like my joy of swimming, and in some ways, similar to swimming on those stormy Summer days, the days I liked best, when only the water could keep me warm.
I am sadly seeing I have been far more careless than I should have been. Time after time, I have gone around seeking the prettiest pool I could find. And once I found that pool...I dove right in (I am a man of extremes). I didn't check to see how deep it was or even if the water was cold. I was ready to swim! And once I was in...I refused to budge....until the water drained or I was dragged out.

And you know what I realized? I did same damn thing again!
I saw this pool...and I had to go swimming in it. I had to. There was no stopping me. I snipped the caution tape and kicked down the barricades warning me about the dangers of this particular pool. I laughed at the fools running the other way. Ha! Fine, I had an oasis. So when I got close enough...I took the biggest swan dive a man have has ever taken and aimed directly at the center of that beautiful pool I just could not live without.

The dive almost broke my neck.

I found out, a little too late, where I landed is very shallow. It's not even deep enough for me to swim. If I twist my body the right way, if I contort and turn, I can glide across it at times...but, if I am honest with myself, it isn't meant for a man to be in. I should say, it isn't  meant for this man to be in. I will always think there is a deeper end to the pool  (I have to believe that.) but for some reason I can't get there. There is some sort of barrier I can't see. Every time I try to cross over, I get cut up..hurt. I will forever have the scars to prove it, to prove how goddamn hard I tried.

So, for the first time in my life...I need to get out of the water on my own.
I'm going to get out of the water...I have to face this crisp wind that is coming. But, I'm afraid of being cold.
It is much easier to stay where I am, to float along. However, I know will never really swim.

I've been urged for years to get out of this pool by many people, loving people. And, indeed,  I have tried a few times before...but when it came down to it, I couldn't or I did, but jumped right back in.

What makes this time different, though,  and why and I know I can get out of the water, is because someone stepped out of the bushes, or maybe out of the clouds (a friend, a long lost friend).
This friend has walked up to the side of the pool I am in, tears in her eyes. She's crying for me, with me. She isn't offering a hand to pull me out (...No, I must do that on my own...) but, she is holding this huge warm towel.
You see, the weather is cold outside and she knows it...she can feel it, herself. She knows the chill very well.
And because she knows me so well, she also knows how much I want to swim...how I long for it.
But, she isn't pressuring me to exit the water. She's saying, "Okay, John Newberry, if you want to stay in there, that's fine. I'm not leaving. Let's talk." She understands me, understands if I want to stay in this pool and never get out. No matter what my choice, she'll sit there...she'll be there...for me. For me.
I so love her for it. To try to express in words how that makes me feel is almost an insult to the emotion.

She's my own cherub. 

So, don't worry, I truly have an angel watching over me and I'm going to get out of this water soon.
However, I don't care what anyone says. This was a good pool. I had to take the shot. Yes, it's sharp very very sharp and coarse in spots...but it has some really warm places too. I just wish it was deep enough for me to swim in.

The Sweetest Christmas Cookie...I Have Ever Had

Last night, I went to my Aunt's and Uncle's Christmas Eve party. I am glad I attended, because I will remember this the rest of my life.


It was a wonderfully warm and casual gathering of maybe twenty people. Folks were lounging around or taking turns visiting with whoever they chose. My cousin Jaime and I were playing some strange card game by the fireplace. As we were doing so, I was snacking on some very tasty cookies my Aunt Kris had given me for Christmas. They had come sealed in a container not at all unlike a to-go box for Chinese food, sporting a few ribbons and streamers. Quite clever.

I glanced from over my cards and saw this tiny thing tumbling towards me. It was Gi-Gi. She is very young and Brooke's (Jaime's older sister) absolutely beautiful daughter.
Earlier in the night, the two of us had already shared many cups of invisible tea from her pink princess set (which I... think....was far far too hot for me to drink at first. But guessing whether I was supposed to be enjoying my drink or be scalded by it, is much tougher than it would seem if you only go by the expressions of a little girl), she was also so kind to as to refill my mug over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...(sigh)..and over and over and over, she even let me hold her dolls for a few minutes as she readied them for bed.
So, seeing her head my way...I figured, odds were, I must be thirsty again.
Nope.
I found out I wasn't hungry.
I watched as two-inch long fingers reached into the box of cookies I had before me. They pulled out one, then two, then three... Soon, all the cookies (all my cookies at that!) were pinned to the chest of this little (yet, respectfully brazen)thief, who then went around the room and passed them out to other people. Out fairness to Gi-Gi, she did leave me with the corner of a sugar star.
I survived the heist and went back to the card game. Fine. I didn't want cookies, anyway,

How much time passed? A year? A month? Twenty minutes? I couldn't tell you. But when I looked up, there she was...again.
The girl was stalking me.
Her impossibly small hand was outstretched. She was holding something...just for me...only, this time it wasn't imaginary. ...and, there was no need to search her expressions. I knew what it was. It was a cookie. Well...at some seemingly very distant point in history, it was a cookie. More specifically, it had belonged to a cookie.  You see, what she held couldn't have been an actual cookie. The thing between her fingers was globular. It edged and drooped over her miniature digits. Cookies don't do that. Generally, they hold form...or at least, my cookies did.

As yummy as this multicolored mass of goo was to her, I didn't want any. There really was no need to share this me. She could keep my cookie, if that's indeed what this sad and soggy thing in her hand had once had been. It wasn't that big of a deal. At this point, it was hers. I was okay with that. I really really really was.
Nonetheless, my pleas of "No Thanks" and "That's Okay"  and "Oh, you have it" did nothing to dissuade, this now generous vandal. I had to give in. I had to. She's a Jedi. At two feet tall, she towered over me...I was powerless. There was no use in fighting any longer, so I extended my hand.
Gi-Gi gave me, what could only be described as, the "paste of a cookie" and it didn't plop into my hand as much as it smeared.
My response, as Gi-Gi gleefully trotted away?
"Brooke, your child is so disgusting." But even as I said it, I couldn't help but laugh. I have never had such an experience. Ever. Even after it was gone, I felt that cookie, or cookie-corpse, in my hand for twenty minutes.
 

Before Brooke and her husband (Mike) left, Gi-Gi came to see me one last time. I wasn't sure what else this little thing could possibly do to me. Unexpectedly, she gave me a kiss on the cheek to say goodbye. It was like a little dew drop.

And then she was gone...with my heart in tow.

Today, as I write this, and I think of the innocence of that child, of her handing me the last bites of something she thought was so wonderful, I can't help but think...it may be the sweetest Christmas Cookie I have ever had.

Merry Christmas.

Faith in God's Justice...

Faith...what is it?





Faith: complete trust or confidence in someone or something



Typically, people think of faith as accepting. In a religious context, it is saying, "Okay, God, I believe you." It is a willingness to move past whatever is standing in front of you, or take the step in the dark not knowing what is out there. However, like anything, faith can be more...much more.
While I do not understand the ability to accept something blindly...I find it admirable in a way.
But there is another kind of faith too, a faith for others,  who are like me. They want or need a little more information. And doesn't God, our God, realize this? Of course He does. Because if He if doesn't, He shouldn't be called "God."

So, here is where my act of faith is different. It is not so much like stepping into the dark. It is like stepping into the dark on a tight rope. My act of faith is not in accepting the answer...but...in asking the question.
Why?
You see, I don't pretend for one second that I can stump God with my tiny questions. (Even I am not that bold). But when I ask the question...I am laying it all out there. I am putting my total faith in God. I am saying I know He has the answers.
And for me, it is an incredible act of faith...because so much can be riding on I what I don't find.

I love to think out-loud and share it with people...so...




If you dare, take a step of faith me while I ask another question...let's see what we find...



Alright, I have another one. Let's start with a definition.

Justice: the quality of being fair and reasonable

God is just...right?
The Bible says He is.



I heard this question (or one form of it) offered to a preacher, and I found it so very interesting.

Here is the question:
Should a finite being (a human) get sentenced to an infinite punishment (Hell)?
Put another way...if a man only lives 50 years on Earth, does 600 billion+ years (and on and on...) in Hell seem fair?

So, let us go back to our definition of justice. Is our definition wrong?  No, I think it's pretty solid.  Then, is the description of God wrong? I don't think so, either. In Exodus, God makes it clear how important Justice is. As an example, the famous/infamous "eye for an eye" code is found there. That is His idea of what Justice is.



If you were to look at the "eternal sentence" of the damned (really of absolutely anyone) and make an analogy of it, what could you come up with that would look reasonable or fair? I see nothing.
On your balance (your imaginary scale not too different from the one Blind Lady Justice holds) which measures out what is "fair and reasonable"...on one side I picture a raindrop. That is the sin of a man's life. On the other, as punishment for this sin, there is a raging waterfall...because the water will never stop coming. How do those two measure up? How do they balance?
I see a speck or mote of dust and on the other side of the balance an entire mountain range...yet the mountain range continues to grow...for all of time.
Where is the Justice in this? How does that scale sit level?

Even the worst things a person can do turn small, insignificant, when looked at on the scale of infinity. Humans cannot even comprehend the idea of infinity, yet we can be sentenced to it. Isn't that a bit odd?

If you were standing in plains of Kansans, in some wheat field with nothing else around, and Mount Everest was placed in front of you...it would be enormous. It would tower over you. But if you turned and walked away, and did so long enough, it would become smaller and smaller. At some point, you wouldn't even be able to see it. You would never know it was ever there.
That is the idea of infinity and Man's sin...including the very very worst of sins. Yes, the VERY worst. Over they span of time and distance they become meaningless. They are a raindrop against a waterfall.

Does God not see this?
Surely He must.
If He is the just God we believe Him to be, how is this reconciled?

If I am struck down by lightning...now you know why.

It is either very early or very late when I am starting to write this, I guess it depends on how you look at things.
Christopher Hitchens' death has made me do a lot of thinking...A LOT.
I fully expect to lose a couple (if not more) Facebook friends who read this, or maybe because of the debate it will cause after. I am okay with that.

I will get to the point.

Growing up, I was taught that God was, among many things, omnipotent and perfect. I have come to the conclusion that both those attributes we often lay on God...are simply wrong.

Why?

It is impossible.
I asked someone "Where did Evil come from? Did God create it too?" The answer I was given was, roughly, "Evil wasn't created by God, but rather it is a byproduct (or maybe the only product) of what happens when God isn't around." And I think that is a pretty a standard answer. If you turn from God, the only choice is Evil.
Hmmm...
But think about that.
What it says, is God cannot...CANNOT...destroy Evil. It happens every time He is not there. It follows him like a shadow. And if God is eternal, then so is Evil. If God cannot destroy Evil, He is not omnipotent.


My second point...God is not perfect, maybe even not omniscient.

A perfect being (who can see all past, all present, and all future events) does not change their mind.
When is indecision a model of perfection? Would not an eternal and perfect being see all the future choices which had to be made? Why would there ever be a change of heart on any subject?
Look at Abraham. He was told to sacrifice his son. He was ordered to murder and burn his child.
(Yes, I know, it was a test of the man's faith.)
As you know, I am not a parent and more than likely never will be. However, I could not fathom such an action...ever. Could you? Should you?
Tell me this, which is better? To think that God wanted Abraham to kill Issac and burn his carved up body, only to change His mind at last moment...or...God knew all along it was never going to happen?
Because I say the last, is the act of a sadist.
Hitchens often compared monotheism to North Korea. His point is well-made. How does the whole Abraham and Issac story not sound like something the "Dear Leader" would require of a subjugated people? In an effort to prove their loyalty to the Party, people would be required to show a willingness to offer up their own child.
Would we say it was a only a test today?
No...it would be looked upon as a crime against humanity.


If you know every thought a person a has, if you can read them like you can program on a computer, and allow them to be tortured with the idea of killing their own child out of loyalty towards you...but you know you will never allow them to do it...how are you NOT a sadist?

Or would it be better to think God changed His mind?
(In both instance, though...the simple demand on Abraham should be utterly disturbing and just horrifying.)


Is saying this blasphemy? Probably.
I guess I will see what happens to me next.

Fighting Something

I have almost decided that "Life" is not something we go through. Rather, it is a Something which fights against us.
Now, it is easier on people and harder on others. Then, there are chaps like me...who help this Something beat the hell out themselves. But not matter what, It always wins.
Always.

With this thought in mind, I came across across an ancient Jewish Proverb. It wasn't one written by Solomon, in fact, I am not sure if anyone knows the origins of where it came from. I suspect it is from the time of when the Jewish people were in Egypt because that would make sense...but I could be very wrong.

Like all good proverbs, it is short.

"I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders."

What I love about this, is how it can be seen in two different ways.

On face value, it is a non-complaint. It is acceptance. Life, and all the trouble which come with it, is out my control. I just want to manage it better. "Yes, I know it sucks. Help me out."
Can we make a bargain? Is there some middle ground where it won't be so bad on me?


The second way to look at is the way I prefer...it is a view of defiance.
It is like a muskox turning his face into the bitter polar wind for the protection of the herd.
It is a challenge to the Something...an insult. And it may be the only insult a human can ever give It, which has true sting or bite.
"Yes, I know you are going to win...but I am not going to make this easy on you."



In a way it's similar to when I was around 19 or 20. I got into a fight with this guy. He was huge (no, I mean it...he was really big). Looking back, I suppose, it was quite stupid...but I refused to back down, I would not cower to someone...no matter how big they were.
He won the brawl, of course, but you know what? I damn near took his eye out. So every day for the rest of his life, when he looks in the mirror and sees that scar, he will remember me.

That's how I want to be with Life.
I won't quit. I won't back down.
Pile it on.

If my shoulders were bigger...
...well, my challenge was issued long ago...and still stands.

Cops Beat Up People Because They Know They Can Get Away With It!

I Believe - Cowboy Mouth