Fluorescent Light Tuna

Okay, now I'm all for doing things safely.
I make sure I don't play Marco Polo on the interstate. I try not to blow dry my hair or toast some bread while in the shower. I even try (notice "try") to chew my food before swallowing...it just depends on how hungry I am. Hell, I even gave up my dreams of having a juggling chainsaw routine, all in the name of being safe....that's how safe I am.
But really now...
The new light bulb hysteria is just stupid.
There are people out there who seem to think there is this GIGANTIC hazard when a compact fluorescent light bulb (I'm going with CFL from now on) falls to the floor and breaks...because...they contain....are you ready for this....brace yourself....MERCURY!
(dramatic music crescendos and a track of people gasping should be inserted here)
Yes, it's not happiest of elements and in 7th grade it probably wasn't the smartest thing in world for me and Mike Charles to break an old thermometer so we could goo the stuff around like a big silver booger...no matter how cool it was (but, let me tell you, it was really cool).
It goes back to common sense...again.
How bad can these things really be, honestly? Think about it for a minute.
Are CFL's the only product on Earth which don't break from time to time during shipping?
What happens when Walmart's Joe Truck Driver hits a bump and a case goes crashing to the floor? Is HAZMAT called to rush Joe into quarantine and hose down the rig by guys in super-size space suits? I would think that might make the local news if it happened.
What does a store do when some little cowboy goes woo-hooing and yee-hawing through Home Depot and crashes his younger brother into a display case full of these bad boys? Does the store get shut down and terror alert level goes to a flashing neon red?
Of course not.
The mess is swept up and the world turns...with some little cowboy getting an ass-whipping when he gets home.
So, I am going to do an experiment. I am going to prove CFL's are not mini-Chernobyls, rather light bulbs.
I am going to break one (maybe two or three) of these CFL's...but....to make it better and before you call the SLC PD on me, I am going to get REALLY dangerous. After it breaks I am going to stand in the middle of this fuming toxic pile while eating a can of tuna (that should be enough mercury to kill me for sure, right? Or least give me a big metallic blister, huh?). I may even put my head against a running microwave, talk on my cell phone, all with my laptop running...has anyone done anything so daring?
I am quite sure all that will happen is, I will get yelled at for making a mess.
However, if I die or grown an extra thumb, I will give everyone who reads this $1000.