Swimming

Since I was the smallest of children, I loved to swim.
I was always in the water, diving and flipping around like a slippery little frog. It was nearly impossible to get me out once I dove in. It became my second home. Large portions of my Summers were spent with wrinkled hands and shriveled fingers. My entire body was simply waterlogged, I stayed submerged so much.

The best times were when a storm was coming. As that misshapen and compressed wall of dark blue clouds slowly pushed in from the northwest, even the brightest of days dimmed little by little. A cool breeze quickly turrned  cold, icy, against my wet skin. I knew instantly, I was not getting out of the water. I remember the wind kicking in and thick heavy raindrops, the size of marbles, falling...but "under"...nothing.
There, it was oh-so was warm.


Well...
I am ever the one for analogies, and last night another one hit me as I was trying to sleep.

My love life (is that what it is called for men?) is much like my joy of swimming, and in some ways, similar to swimming on those stormy Summer days, the days I liked best, when only the water could keep me warm.
I am sadly seeing I have been far more careless than I should have been. Time after time, I have gone around seeking the prettiest pool I could find. And once I found that pool...I dove right in (I am a man of extremes). I didn't check to see how deep it was or even if the water was cold. I was ready to swim! And once I was in...I refused to budge....until the water drained or I was dragged out.

And you know what I realized? I did same damn thing again!
I saw this pool...and I had to go swimming in it. I had to. There was no stopping me. I snipped the caution tape and kicked down the barricades warning me about the dangers of this particular pool. I laughed at the fools running the other way. Ha! Fine, I had an oasis. So when I got close enough...I took the biggest swan dive a man have has ever taken and aimed directly at the center of that beautiful pool I just could not live without.

The dive almost broke my neck.

I found out, a little too late, where I landed is very shallow. It's not even deep enough for me to swim. If I twist my body the right way, if I contort and turn, I can glide across it at times...but, if I am honest with myself, it isn't meant for a man to be in. I should say, it isn't  meant for this man to be in. I will always think there is a deeper end to the pool  (I have to believe that.) but for some reason I can't get there. There is some sort of barrier I can't see. Every time I try to cross over, I get cut up..hurt. I will forever have the scars to prove it, to prove how goddamn hard I tried.

So, for the first time in my life...I need to get out of the water on my own.
I'm going to get out of the water...I have to face this crisp wind that is coming. But, I'm afraid of being cold.
It is much easier to stay where I am, to float along. However, I know will never really swim.

I've been urged for years to get out of this pool by many people, loving people. And, indeed,  I have tried a few times before...but when it came down to it, I couldn't or I did, but jumped right back in.

What makes this time different, though,  and why and I know I can get out of the water, is because someone stepped out of the bushes, or maybe out of the clouds (a friend, a long lost friend).
This friend has walked up to the side of the pool I am in, tears in her eyes. She's crying for me, with me. She isn't offering a hand to pull me out (...No, I must do that on my own...) but, she is holding this huge warm towel.
You see, the weather is cold outside and she knows it...she can feel it, herself. She knows the chill very well.
And because she knows me so well, she also knows how much I want to swim...how I long for it.
But, she isn't pressuring me to exit the water. She's saying, "Okay, John Newberry, if you want to stay in there, that's fine. I'm not leaving. Let's talk." She understands me, understands if I want to stay in this pool and never get out. No matter what my choice, she'll sit there...she'll be there...for me. For me.
I so love her for it. To try to express in words how that makes me feel is almost an insult to the emotion.

She's my own cherub. 

So, don't worry, I truly have an angel watching over me and I'm going to get out of this water soon.
However, I don't care what anyone says. This was a good pool. I had to take the shot. Yes, it's sharp very very sharp and coarse in spots...but it has some really warm places too. I just wish it was deep enough for me to swim in.