Let's have a smoke...

My friend Adam and I were going back and forth a little about the 8th Deadly Sin...Smoking.


It got me thinking about an encounter I had with a woman when Casey and I lived in Ogden. At the time, I didn't own a car. I was relegated to riding the bus to get from place to place...which is always fun. Nothing like those yummy Bus People* to brighten your day.
So, here I was, just standing at the bus stop and minding my own business...like the good boy I am. I was having a peaceful smoke and planning out my day.
Out of nowhere I heard dragging footsteps. I spied the source and recognized it was a bitter and mean hag of a woman I'd seen before. She was a bus regular...a.k.a. a bus person...and a quite rude one at that. After a few seconds she started fake coughing. You know the kind of sound I am talking about...that sooooooo annoying guff people make when they "quietly" try to say your smoke is bothering them...
When I turned to her, I saw she had pulled the top of her collar over her nose and mouth....I suppose I had forgotten I was smoking sticks of tear gas and not cigarettes.
I looked away, 20% aggravated by the "subtle" hints my smoke was bothering her, 80% gleeful it REALLY was. It took her a few minutes, but when I lit up another cigarette (I only did this for the extra "pissing off" value of it), she said, "Sir, you could not smoke that here?"
Her tone was not as nice as the question seems.
I ignored Cruella and took a huge drag. I let the exhale create a small layer of smog around me...she was not pleased.
"Sir!"
I faced her, with the cigarette hanging from my mouth.
"Can you move over there and smoke that?" Her gnarled hand was pointing to some obscure patch of grass.
I smiled and nodded my head. Indeed, that was possible.
I said, "Yes, I can," then took another drag as I looked at her. "I can, but I won't."
Hahaha...how ya like them apples? I topped it off with a quick little wink.
The expression on her face was priceless. If I had snapped her bra, I don't think she would have been more shocked.
I finished my cigarette just as bus arrived and, like the gentleman I am, let her board first.

I think more smokers need to stand up for themselves like this...be proud of our addiction. In Utah, and many other states, you can no longer smoke in restaurants, bars and smoke shops...what?! You can't smoke in a place dedicated to smokers?! Isn't that like saying it's illegal to eat your burger until you get outside of Burger King? What am I missing?
Everyone needs to relax a little. Calm down, it's not as though this is a new invention. Man has been smoking since the dawn of time.
I will pay my $3.00 in taxes, per pack, and smile as I do so...but can you cut us smokers some slack?
Why can't we all just get along?


*Bus People are the folks who pretty much live on the bus. They think that everyone on the bus is their nemesis or a buddy interested in how their day is going or where they are going. They also tend to smell VERY bad.

I tried as best I could...go ahead, Beth, say you told me so.

I have had an ugly day, and it is only noonish.
As some know, I have been going to help out at the Soup Kitchen in downtown SLC. It has been, in many ways, quite rewarding.
BUT TODAY...was different...oh, the rewards I was given!!!
First, there were rotating shifts of mini mormons running through the kitchen. That alone is enough to drive anyone mad or start banging their head with a pot, but each group had two or three cameras with them to snap shots or take videos...I'm guessing it's in case some Joseph Smith loyalty group comes along and doubts their mormanness. This way, they would have proof of their kindness and a sure ticket to one of their 300 heavens...even if they weren't wearing the holy mormon underwear ( they really have that, you know).
Okay, that was bad, but when they started singing Frosty the Snowman...(sigh)...shall we say I was, uh, bothered by that?
Next, while I was cooking, I had my sweatshirt stolen. If someone had said, "Hey, it sure is cold today. Can I have that?" I would have given it away in a second...no doubt about it. I have several others and wouldn't miss it.... But, noooooooo, they figured they would head on down to John's Thrift Store, use their Homeless Person Discount, and take what they wanted. It's not like it was 20 degrees outside or anything...as much as I enjoy being cold and shivering like a dying fish, I wasn't into it so much, today.
Before I knew my sweatshirt was gone, though, I stepped outside to have a smoke. While I was there, I looked up and saw a guy sitting on the hood of my car...scratching his crotch. He was just digging way down deep as if it was the most natural thing in the world...like I had parked it there for the sole purpose of letting his dirty ass rest on it.
I told him to get off it...and he did...giving me quite the look. Clearly, I was putting him out.
You know, if I wanted a homeless hood ornament, I would have plowed through the crowd of them on my way in...I would have shouted, "Hey, Itchy! You want a spot on here?"
Silly me for thinking the hood of my car was...a hood...and not Rip Van Winkle's ass cushion.!!!
Then, as I go to leave (by this time I knew my sweatshirt was gone) there is some other guy peeking in the windows of my car.
I started wondering if this happens all day long while I am cooking. Do they peer into the glass like a pervert at a boobie show? Was someone trapped inside and needed help? Did I kill a mormon and throw them in the back seat? What was he looking at?!
So, I asked the guy, "Is there something of yours in there, Buddy?"
Ummm...he pulled out a steak knife and said he was going to kill me...
You know how they say, one bad apple can spoil the whole bunch? Well, I came across nothing but spoiled, smelly, and itchy mormon apples, today.
Now I remember why I don't like people, in general, and want to become a hermit.