Law:
No person will be allowed to use a flat or unqualified hyperbolic expression in reference, but not limited, to any event, person, or thing.
Punishment:
The punishment will be reflective of the crime.
For instance:
If a person says, "That is the greatest show ever!" they shall be banned from watching anything other than that particular show for the remainder of their natural life.
If a person says, "That is the best song ever!" they will only be allowed to listen to that song for the rest of their life.
Since this criminal has found the greatest show or movie or song, there is no point to them listening to anything else, NOTHING will ever be better.
Law:
No one (unless they are 14 yrs old or younger) shall use abbreviations similar, but not limited, to "LOL," "OMG," "WTF," or "B4."
Punishment:
Such person will be sentenced to 6 continuous hours of listening to a phone ring for each letter missing from the actual expression.
Law:
No person shall offer or pretend to have an opinion on a topic (any topic) if they follow it or precede it with "Hannity says," or "Rush believes," or "Oprah thinks."
Punishment:
Such a person will be sentenced to watching the testing color bars on a television set, with tone, until they are hearing the Voice of God.
Law:
No individual shall ever force another to listen to them sing.
Punishment:
The person committing such a crime shall be beaten with a club of the victim's choosing (even clubbed by the victim if they so choose), allowed to nearly heal, then beaten again.
Law:
No person will ever ask, "So, what's good here?" when going to a restaurant.
Punishment:
The criminal will be forced to eat from the establishment's dumpster until the empolyee's (victim) shift has ended.
Law:
No person will use the expression "You know" or "I mean" more than twice every ten minutes.Punishment:
The victim (or person who hears such remarks) is allowed to smite the criminal.
Law:
No person will ever be allowed to ask, "Who is this?" when they call another human.
Punishment:
The criminal must call 14 pages worth of people from the phone book, ask for the person BY NAME, and explain what they did/ apologize for being such a dolt. Until the required amount of people have been called, the criminal will only be able to communicate to others in person, by mail (real mail), or through two tin cans and a string of yarn.
If a person doesn't know who they called, they don't even deserve fingers.
Law:
An individual is only allowed to call a wrong number twice.
Punishment:
The criminal shall be flogged in the nearest mall.
Law:
A person shall never utter the specific non-word: "ir-regardless"
Punishment:
Loss of tongue.
If the word is written...loss of finger tips.
Law:
No human will ever ask a question they already know the answer to, request an explanation for something they do not care about, or ask for advice if they have no intentions of listening to it.
Punishment:
The criminal becomes a servant of the victim and is forced to do the victim's bidding for 3 years.
Law:
A person shall never say they "gave it their all."
Punishment:
Since clearly the criminal did not give it their all (since they are still alive), they will be drained of ALL their bodily fluids.
They shall be totally dehydrated like a fruit for astronauts.
LAW (the most important):
No one will ever ask another person to repeat a question or statement they already heard.
Example:
VICTIM: "So, where did you and your wife go to eat last night?"
CRIMINAL: "What?"
VICTIM: "I said, ' where did you--.'"
CRIMINAL: "Oh, we went to Red Lobster."
Clearly, the criminal heard the question yet made the victim ask it again.
PUNISHMENT:
The criminal shall forfeit the right to communicate with another human for the remainder of his/her natural life.
In addition, to ensure this is done, the criminal will be marooned on an island and forced to listen to "It's a Small World" until they are dead.
Just a few ideas...take 'em or leave 'em.
No comments:
Post a Comment